calypsolemon:

something ive been thinking abt re: the discorse recently

a lot of exclusionists talk about how aros and aces shouldn’t be allowed at pride because pride is (in part) a celebration of queer sexual expression. It’s an event where many people are open and proud about being sexually attracted to the same gender or experiencing sexuality in unconventional ways, and I agree thats not something anyone should want to take away from.

However people forget, pride is also about breaking down cis-heteronormativity, and that includes fighting for our ability to not consent to heterosexual sex and relationships.

We are born into a society that tells us from birth that in order to be happy, we must seek relationships with the “opposite” gender, get married, and have heterosexual sex to connsummate the marriage and procreate. There is a huge pressure to participate in heterosexual sex and relationships, to the point that many queer people perform such a relationship for years if they are not given the proper education and space to be themselves. Pride is about leading by example, about showing people it’s ok to not only desire same-gender relationships, but to refuse the cishet relationship model. Its about undoing the harm of a society that expects you to consent to its terms before you can even read the contract.

So, what’s this have to do with aspecs? Well, in a cis-heterosexual society, sex and romance has always been part of that contract.

Aces and aros are also celebrating their ability to not consent to this relationship model. We are growing up in this society too, and we are being told we MUST consent to a relationship model that includes forms of attraction we largely don’t experience, and performing acts we largely don’t desire. Even if some of us want heterosexual sex or relationships, we cannot perform them to cishet standards, because we don’t experience the attraction that everyone is assumed is inherint to us since birth. We are out here telling people like us that it is ok to refuse sex or romance, that it’s ok to say no to things you don’t desire. And in the process, we want to own ourselves again. We want to be proud of our identity, because its so easy to only define yourself by what society thinks you lack. We want to tell others like us that we are only different, and that our experiences and points of veiw hold value and are something to be celebrated.

But we have to stop this nonsense that pride is only about celebrating the ability to say yes. Pride is also about saying no, because if we cannot safely refuse society’s expectations, we cannot truly be ourselves.