It’s ya girl, arolace, back at it again with inventing things that relate to being aro. Today’s question is: Are you tired of not being able to see yourself in the media? Well, look no further than this fun game! Help other aros like you discover fun characters that we can actually relate to! All you gotta do is:
1. Write character’s name and what book/movie/tv show they first appeared in
2. (optional) Since this is open to everyone who’s arospec, if you’d like to be more specific about what you headcanon/what is canon, feel free to write it down
3. any other details about the show/book/movie you feel is important
I’ll provide some examples to start it off
Data from Star Trek TNG. I hc him/them as aroace or greyroace and agender/nb, and Star Trek in general is actually a really good show if you’re not to into the romance plots
The Doctor from Doctor Who (specifically doctors 1, 3, 6, 7, war, 12 for aro hc) I think all the doctors are ace, but 1, 3, 6, 7, war, and 12 are super duper aroace. Sixie in particular has the very obvious six/peri QPR. Doctor Who (especially classic doctor who) has some of the most canon QPRs in any show ever. Also the remaining doctors are also pretty easily arospec but I’m too lazy to write them all down right now (later my dudes, later)
Merida from Brave. I mean come on ShE sHoOtS aRrOwS aNd WeArS gReEn AnD hAtEs ThE iDeA oF MaRrIgE. I hc as demiroace because she seems to hate the idea of getting married to some loser she doesn’t know but doesn’t necessarily ever say she wants to be single forever
who do you guys think? Can’t wait to hear your aro hcs!
Lloyd Irving from Tales of Symphonia. I headcanoned him as aroace even before I knew that was a thing. He was the first character I could fully relate to since he clearly loves all his friends and doesn’t seem to be interested in romance. the sequel doesn’t count that game can try to pry my aroace lloyd from my cold dead hands for all i care
Sorey from Tales of Zestiria. Again, an aroace headcanon. Sorry, I just get so excited when I find a character I can actually relate to. Also, Sorey and Mikleo in a queerplatonic relationship is the best thing ever.
Granny Weatherwax from the Discworld Witches books by Terry Pratchett has to be the archetypal autistic-coded non-amorous aro-ace-coded witch woman, at least to my mind. She has that common disconnection from society and its romantic entanglements but she will be there to save it in the end, even if she’s a shade (or a lot) disgruntled by the necessity and there’s nothing soft about her blunt tongue. I personally think her brand of cheerfully living alone combined with her willingness to wade into society’s problems when needed make her a better portrayal of non-amorous aro-ace than Clariel, plus she’s a thousand different types of clever and heroic in a very understated fashion.
(In fact, I feel that the the construct of the role of the Discworld witch and their service to society while living on its edges is very friendly to aromantics. And autistics.)
Granny Weatherwax is in several books, but you can see her as a main character in Equal Rites, Wyrd Sisters, Witches Abroad, Lords and Ladies, Maskerade and Carpe Jugulum, and she’s a supporting character in some of the Tiffany Aching books. But … just read all of Discworld, honestly. It’s not romance-free, so I don’t recommend it for folks who are very romance repulsed, but it’s generally not the central focus even in the books where it’s more of a significant presence, and several books are barely or minimally romantic. There’s heaps of characters who don’t have romantic relationships or, if they do, those relationships don’t have significant page-time. I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of Vimes and Sybil’s romantic relationship (which is against the prevailing opinion of many alloromantics I know) but it still doesn’t occupy too much of his stories!
If you like witty, clever fantasy and stories that are concerned with so much more than their characters’ romantic entanglements, Discworld.
Dean Winchester from Supernatural seems very aro to me. He does often have sexual relationships though so any sex repulsed aces should probably avoid this show.
@aroacestuff, Dean Winchester as an allosexual aro has just blown my mind! It makes so much sense about his character, his relationships and the show! So much sense! I mean, it’s not canon in the sense that they come right out and say it, but there’s so much evidence for Dean as an allosexual aro (who doesn’t know he’s aro) that I feel it’s more coding than headcanon. Hell, his trying to have romantic relationships and it never quite working and sticking instead with family and making found-family, and his primary, defining relationships always being platonic or familial–that feels so aro to me. So aro.
(And Dean and Castiel makes so much more sense, in terms of the narrative, as a QPR.
A romantic relationship between them always felt forced,
between the queerbaiting that it might go there and the evident truth that the show was never going to, but a QPR? That fits. It fits the show and it fits Dean. They just don’t know that’s what it’s called.)
I’m still probably never going to make it past Season 11 because I was starting to find the later-later seasons too repetitive (not necessarily in individual episodes but in terms of season narrative arc) for my enjoyment, but I think I will have to rewatch the Supernatural seasons I do have with an eye for allo-aro Dean.
Thank you so much for pointing out just why I’ve always found Dean to be the more relatable of the brothers. Because he’s allo-aro.
Finn from Adventure Time. His obsession with Princess Bubblegum has no sense of depth, and is much more along the lines of “I think you’re really cool…is that what a crush is? Does that mean I like you?”
He has repeatedly told Jake that he’s not interested in going out with girls, and fails to see why Jake thinks Finn would be into dating.
His relationship with Flame Princess had disastrous effects to everyone, and after getting out of that relationship he describes himself as not really being able to feel anything like that. In one episode, Huntress Wizard tells him directly that “exceptional beasts like us cannot fall in love. That is the secret of ordinary people.” It’s evident in the series that that wasn’t just a throwaway line, and it was so important for Finn’s character to be validated by that.
Jean Valjean from Les Mis. I think he’s aroace and that might be why he seemed a lot happier living in the convent than anywhere else and why he seemed so uncomfortable at the wedding. There is a part in the book that says that he had trouble telling that Cosette had a crush on Marius because he had never had one himself. He and Cosette have this really beautiful found-family story that @euphrasievaljean did a lot better job of describing here than I could.
I’m not sure if this would count as romance repulsed. It kind of sounds like something a lot of Aros probably experience. It’s this idea that, “Okay, this person is already in a romantic relationship, cool. We can be friends.” But then if we meet someone who isn’t, and get to know them, and then they get into a romantic relationship with someone later, it kind of causes a slight feeling of betrayal. Not that that person has done anything to earn it, but I think it’s kind of like this connection you feel with them, and then when they find someone, you feel like that connection has been severed to an extent, or you become the third wheel (and that’s not fun for a lot of people). My ex qpp got into a romantic relationship recently and she keeps talking about how she wants me and her boyfriend to get along and how we should all hang out. While I would love to be able to get along with him, if I hang out with both of them at the same time, i’m gonna be the third wheel, and I can’t interact with her like I would when he’s not around, because there’s still some level of intimacy between us. I think it all boils down to the level of closeness you feel with that person, and not necessarily being romance repulsed.
What do our followers think?
~Amber
I’ve found that I experience that sometimes. If a close friend of mine starts a romantic relationship, I find myself feeling somewhat excluded, even though I know I shouldn’t. I think it boils down (for myself, it might be different for others and I don’t want to generalize) to a small fear that all of my alloromantic friends will eventually settle down with others and that I’ll be left alone? It’s a ridiculous fear, and most of the time I can ignore it, but every so often it’ll resurface, especially when new romantic relationships are started with people I know.
I agree and think that it’s a common thing for aros to feel that way when friends start romantic relationships, whatever the reason. Not everyone does, of course, but a decent amount of people I have talked to have noted feeling the same kind of aversion to those new relationships. I also agree that I think a lot of it has to be because of the “third-wheel” status, which the people in the romantic relationship don’t always realize exists.
Hello kids, it’s time to learn a new word today! It’s a pretty new word, probably because aromanticism has been ignored and neglected up until just recently, and the community is still taking shape. New words and terms appear as they are needed. I present to you:
~*AMATONORMATIVITY*~
Does it sound like heteronormativity’s ugly cousin? That’s because it totally is. This is why you’re dreading family gatherings. Heteronormativity will try to beat you up for being different – or to prevent you from being different. Amatonormativity don’t really have the muscles for that, but good lord is it manipulative. It will say some really mean things to you, that will make you feel really worthless and broken, that you’ll never be truly happy, the kind of things that stick with you for years.
Amatonormativity is the social force that makes it seem like romantic love is the most important thing on earth, in your life, ever. It’s the belief that everyone can, wants, and should fall in love. It’s the belief that romantic relationships are more important than all other types of relationships.
All of that is wrong. Worse, it hurts people really bad, just like heteronormativity. Aromantics and aro spectrum people are the ones hurt the most by this. Here are some examples of amatonormativity:
– Ridiculously young kids feeling pressured to get a boyfriend/girlfriend, and feeling worthless if they don’t have one. This is terrible on several levels, including the fact that people are not prizes to be won.
– Whenever someone says love but means romantic love only. Way to brush aside friendships, familial love, and all the other ways of feeling love there is.
– That time some local athlete said he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, and that was so shocking it made it to the FRONT PAGE of the newspapers.
– When the above example made me so angry I wrote an article to the newspapers about amatonormativity and how there’s nothing wrong in being single, and most of the comments I got on that article online were “don’t worry, you’ll meet the right one someday!!!!”
– the phrase “don’t worry, you’ll meet the right one” frick. you. I’m not the one worrying, YOU are. I know who I am, I’m not waiting for someone to come along and decide that for me. I know feelings may change over time, but that does not mean I should WAIT. Go take your waiting somewhere else.
– LOVE TRIANGLES. A badass fictional girl is busy dismantling governments, as you do, when a BOY comes along. A boy that……. likes her??? and then ANOTHER boy!!! That also likes her!!!!! OH NO put the revolution on hold she has to C H O O S E
– When stories end and all the characters are paired up with eachother
– Name one fictional character that is clearly stated to not feel romantic love, that is NOT a robot or a tree or whatever, and that is NOT a villain. I mean, even robots like Wall-E are made more human to us by….. feeling…. romantic love……..
– No but seriously though. The amount of stories and media where romance is The Most Important Thing?? Most of it.
– “Asexuals are not broken, they can still fall in love!!!” let me stop you right there
– The fact that sleeping around is seen as Horrible and Immoral. As long as it’s safe, consensual and not cheating, there shouldn’t really be a problem???
– Phrases like “more than friends” or “just friends”. Some people out there have stronger relationships with their lifelong best friends than their own spouses. I’m still on the fence on this one because you can be “more than friends” if you’re like friends AND lovers!! That’s like, TWO types of relationship in one! So. I don’t know.
– Being told you’re incomplete, that you’re just a half, waiting for your romantically coded soulmate, bluh bluh. A soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic, and I also refuse to believe there has to be only one, and most of all I refuse to belive we are incomplete creatures.
+++ so much more.
Finding out you’re aromantic is often really harsh, because many aros will feel left out, dehumanized, thinking they can never achieve happiness – I’ve seen a lot of aromantic people wishing they weren’t aro. Reconciling yourself with the fact that you don’t need to feel romantic love to be complete or having worth is SO HARD when you have everything around you telling you different. So yeah. Be aware of amatonormativity! Fight amatonormativity!! let’s ovERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT OF NORMS wait what
Had a couple conversations recently that led me to realize… There’s sort of a nasty intersection of amatonormativity and misogyny that isolates aro women and shuts us out of media. Allow me to explain.
Aros, let me ask you a question. Have you ever worried that you might be a misogynist, because all your favorite characters are men? Somehow, you just don’t like most female characters. You know all about double standards and misogyny in fandom, fictional women who get absurd amounts of hate for “getting in the way of the slash”, etc., and you try hard not to be that person. You try to love fictional women the same way you love fictional men, but somehow they all annoy you, and you just can’t connect. You don’t know why, so surely the only explanation is that you’re a misogynist, right?
Now, let me ask you another question. How many female characters can you name in your favorite series, who are part of the main group of protagonists, and who aren’t heavily involved in a romantic relationship?
In my case, the only ones I can think of- after thinking this over for the entire day- are Hermes Costello and Foo Fighters. And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are more, but not in any series I really love, and not that are important enough to come to mind.
Everyone knows that women, especially well-written women, are enough of an endangered species in fiction, but it’s so much worse if you’re aro.
There’s a reason why most action anime are shounen (made for boys), while most romance anime are shoujo (made for girls).
We’re taught that romance is feminine, that falling in love is an unavoidable part of being a woman.
Female characters that get to be independent and cool and live their lives without getting caught up in a romance are such a fucking rarity that even series with relatively well written women fall victim to this (hello, Fullmetal Alchemist), and even female protagonists automatically get romances (hello, Sailor Moon). When you’re someone who’s romance repulsed, that makes it damn near impossible to find any fictional women that you can genuinely like and relate to.
And I know what you’re thinking: “But male characters get involved in romances too!” Yes, but their romances aren’t often major parts of their lives. They don’t take up the majority of the time they’re on screen. That’s why they’re easier for me to relate to, because I can easily filter out romance and still have so much left over, whereas that’s not often the case with female characters.
Men get to be developed characters with love interests, and women get to be love interests with character development. And that’s a problem, not only for all women, but especially for aro women.
being a sex-repulsed asexual is weird because intellectually I know that people want to (and do??) have sex and sexuality is talked about constantly in every piece of media but no matter what there’s always some part of my brain that’s like
i just want to remind aros that alterous attraction exists, and feeling it doesn’t make you less aromantic. i think a big obstacle for me in finally realizing i was aro was wanting to be emotionally close to people, which i mistook for romantic attraction. it’s okay to feel this way about people and still be aro.
This is kind of vague, but I think the best way to find self-acceptance is to find community, which looks different for each person.
For me, it was knowing aro people in real life and finding aro people online to talk about experiences with. It was reading headcanon posts and fics about characters I thought could be aro. It was writing my own experiences down in stories about other people and putting them where other people (aro and not could) read them.
There’s a lot of different ways though, and you have to find what works for you.
One thing I would advise is to stay far, far away from discourse. There are parts of the internet that are full of anger, and even if they are angry about the same things you are, I don’t think it’s very healthy or productive to dwell there for long.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t feel angry or bad or that you shouldn’t express it when you do, because you should be able to. But find people that celebrate the positives as well.
This is sort of easier said than done, but I’ll try to help if I can. If you want someone to talk to about being aro, my main blog is @buffintruda. You (and anybody else) can just send me a message like “when did you know you were aro?” or “what are your favorite books?” or “what other cool aro bloggers do you know on tumblr?” or “who do you headcanon as aro and why?” or just tell me about yourself or basically whatever.
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