something ive been thinking abt re: the discorse recently
a lot of exclusionists talk about how aros and aces shouldn’t be allowed at pride because pride is (in part) a celebration of queer sexual expression. It’s an event where many people are open and proud about being sexually attracted to the same gender or experiencing sexuality in unconventional ways, and I agree thats not something anyone should want to take away from.
However people forget, pride is also about breaking down cis-heteronormativity, and that includes fighting for our ability to not consent to heterosexual sex and relationships.
We are born into a society that tells us from birth that in order to be happy, we must seek relationships with the “opposite” gender, get married, and have heterosexual sex to connsummate the marriage and procreate. There is a huge pressure to participate in heterosexual sex and relationships, to the point that many queer people perform such a relationship for years if they are not given the proper education and space to be themselves. Pride is about leading by example, about showing people it’s ok to not only desire same-gender relationships, but to refuse the cishet relationship model. Its about undoing the harm of a society that expects you to consent to its terms before you can even read the contract.
So, what’s this have to do with aspecs? Well, in a cis-heterosexual society, sex and romance has always been part of that contract.
Aces and aros are also celebrating their ability to not consent to this relationship model. We are growing up in this society too, and we are being told we MUST consent to a relationship model that includes forms of attraction we largely don’t experience, and performing acts we largely don’t desire. Even if some of us want heterosexual sex or relationships, we cannot perform them to cishet standards, because we don’t experience the attraction that everyone is assumed is inherint to us since birth. We are out here telling people like us that it is ok to refuse sex or romance, that it’s ok to say no to things you don’t desire. And in the process, we want to own ourselves again. We want to be proud of our identity, because its so easy to only define yourself by what society thinks you lack. We want to tell others like us that we are only different, and that our experiences and points of veiw hold value and are something to be celebrated.
But we have to stop this nonsense that pride is only about celebrating the ability to say yes. Pride is also about saying no, because if we cannot safely refuse society’s expectations, we cannot truly be ourselves.
That scene where Archie is all “I’m not gunna apologise for being a NORMAL guy” and Jughead’s head just whips round to glare at him and he looks so hurt is honestly iconic?? like so many ace and aro people can relate to that we have all been Jughead in a conversation/argument like that and it’s so validating to see it it comic form. like honestly the Jughead comics are such a gift.
aromantic nonbinary solidarity is having your comunity terms made fun of and mocked bc they’re “cringy” and “unnecessary”
[Image Description: Two hands shaking. One hand says, “Aros”. The other says, “Nonbinary people”. In the middle, it says, “Having terminology mocked for being ‘cringy’ and ‘unnecessary’“]
[id: a person shaking their own hands with a forced smile on their face. over the person’s body is the text “nonbinary aros”. end id.]
there’s a definite lingering feeling of brokenness and loss I still have from when I realized I was aroace? I spent such a long time being like “…wait…maybe I have a romantic orientation…it’ll show up…someday…” but at least for now that hasn’t happened, and might never, and even though I have literally zero interest in any kind of sexual or romantic relationship in practice, the culture of love stories still makes me feel like I’m giving up The Most Important Thing Ever In My Life simply by realizing I don’t want it.
When I tell people I’ve never had a crush on anyone and probably never will, they are usually like, “Well…you’re not missing much, actually. Crushes suck. Relationships suck.” And yet everything is built on love and crushes and attraction and sex. Movies, books, people shipping characters together, tumblr posts starting with “imagine your crush…”, plays, every song ever – give me something, please, that shows me that I can experience all the sweetness and tragedy life has to offer without ever kissing anyone once, without “gentle caresses” or staring deep into someone’s dark eyes. Give me something that shows me I can live a full life without love or sex – that I’ll be an old lady one day with three cats and zero regrets. Give me something that shows me I’m not broken.
So for my child development/psychology class, we basically write a journal each week or so about key topics in our life starting from infancy and going to (and past) our deaths. This week’s topic was “Me In Love” about our romantic relationships past, present, future and how they define us or whatever.
I basically just wrote two pages lecturing about aromanticism and how I couldn’t answer any of the questions provided because they held no context for me but that my orientation and I were still valid.
Might not get any points for it because I didn’t complete the assignment as provided, but what can you do? 🤷♀️
Oh, I also spoke about asexuality as well.
Ok so if this happens to anyone else here’s what you do:
* write an essay like above, giving zero fucks about grade or what the teacher might think
* give sources to everything. Sources for the definition of aromantic, sources for lgbtq+ communities that support aspec identities, sources for the demographics of the aro community, source everything and mark them clearly.
* sit back and watch as your teacher is forced to give you good marks unless they can dismiss your sources, which they most likely can’t and definitely don’t feel like wasting time doing.
There are plenty of research on sexuality but unfortunately research on aromanticism is still hard to find. A good place to look for asexual research is this database (x). Other sources you might want to use are the various lgbtq+ communities’ informational pages, AVEN’s sources for what aspec identities are and demographics on aspec community, DSM-V (and ICD-10 if you want to be through-out) to show how asexuality is recognized (and not recognized in the case of ICD-10) as a sexual orientation.
Good luck to all of you dealing with essays and school work where you are forced to choose to either lie to conform to what’s expected or to tell the truth and being forced to out yourself and having to defend your identity at the same time. These things suck but if you decide to be open about your identity there are ways to make it less likely for the teachers to be able to punish you for your identity.
i don’t want love – the antlers //doomed – moses sumney //cut my hair (this is home remix) – mounika //hello – martin solveig ft. dragonette // don’t ask me to explain – of montreal // a diamond and a tether – death cab for cutie //overrated – less than jake //don’t wanna fall in love – green day //solitaire – marina and the diamonds // so-so – baek a yeon // never been in love – will jay // for me – dearlie
“When I was a kid, the most thrilling thing that could happen to me was getting permission to have a friend stay the night. These sleepovers were so much fun that I was sure when I grew up I would live in a giant house with all of my friends forever. (I never wondered who would do the dishes.) Nearly everyone I know had similar daydreams, but this is something we are supposed to grow out of, and replace with daydreams about living with a romantic partner. This isn’t entirely going as planned for our society. It seems like every few weeks an article is circulated that inspires a giant online hand-wringing about millennials resisting committed romantic relationships, or Gen Xers continuing to have roommates. (“The millennial generation lacks the ability to love!” “Meet the people flatsharing in their 40s!”) We’ve collectively decided that people who live with their friends have failed terribly, people who live with a partner have achieved incredible domestic success, and people who live alone or don’t centre their lives around romance are possibly just broken. We are all encouraged to work hard to have stable lives. But at the same time, we’re encouraged to anchor our lives around the relationship that is the least stable. It is uncomfortable to think of romantic love in those terms, but it’s not inaccurate.”
I really hate posts by (mostly) allos about who you can and can’t headcanon as aro or ace bc, one, it implies that aro and ace headcanons are somehow more problematic than any other identity headcanons and two, it feels so fucking degrading to hear “you can’t headcanon x character as aro bc they’re y thing” bc it really just sounds like “the only ace and aro characters ur allowed are the cishet white nerotypical background character, or the robot/monster”
So here’s my list of things allo ppl need to watch out for when they make aro or ace headcanons. Aros and aces feel free to add on if u wanna:
1. Don’t hc the character u hate as aro and/or ace just bc u don’t want them to b happy together with someone
2. Don’t hc a character as aro and/or ace just bc u don’t want them w anyone else period
3. Don’t only hc immature/clueless/“innocent” characters as aro and/or ace (example, the homestuck fandom)
4. Don’t only hc monsters/aliens/somehow other inhuman characters as aro and/or ace (example, creepypasta fandom, which is kinda just cursed in general tho tbh)
5. Don’t make ur aro characters obsessed with shipping their friends or smthn bc i see it Too Much and it’s Annoying
6. Actually care about the characters u hc bc too many times i see like very very minor characters be the only aro and/or ace characters hced
the term “aro-ace” is especially lovely because it also sounds like “arrow ace.” are you aromantic and asexual or are you an incredibly skilled and deadly archer. surprise, you’re both
¯_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯ 