hey if an aroace talks about their experiences of asexuality and conflates being ace with being aro that’s not bad. It can be hard to tell which label affects what, and some people who experience no sexual or romantic attraction only id as ace anyway. The SAM isn’t universal. Basically if an actual aspec seems to be ‘confusing’ asexuality and aromanticism it is far far more likely that their aromanticism is part of their experiences with asexuality, or that they don’t distinguish between the two. Please don’t step in to ‘educate’ aroaces on how asexuals can ~still feel love~ since we know that already. We’re very tired of hearing it.
wild idea here but… instead of pushing this idea that teenagers can’t be asexual bc they’re children and not wanting sex is normal, how about “if you identify as ace as a teenager but later realize you just didn’t want sex bc you were a kid and stop identifying that way, that’s okay” and realizing that doesn’t mean no one can know they’re asexual as a teenager and stop maybe telling asexual teenagers that they’re too young to be ace bc that’s really weird given that teenagers are cetainly capable of being non-asexual also you totally can’t decide something like that for someone else
‘Here is your label, you can never change it’ is one of the most toxic things I’ve ever seen and honestly is the worst parts of pretty much any community there is. It keeps people from being willing to change or even self-reflect, because once they get a label it’s impossible to free themselves from it. And it’s behind all the ridiculous ‘well at one point you said a thing that all these years later in a different context doesn’t sound all that good so you’re a bigot and everything you do is terrible’ nonsense going around this hellsite.
teenagers especially need to be able to say “this is where i’m at now, it could change later, it’s valid either way,” because they’re still evolving really fast
anyone at any time in life can discover something new about themself and no one gets to tell them what they’re feeling
YES, and also??
The argument that “you could find out in the future you’re not ace, so you can’t identify as ace NOW” has an underlying sense that… identifying as ace is BAD. It makes it sound like identifying as ace is something you absolutely should not do until you’re 100% certain, because maybe it isn’t that bad, maybe you’re normal and you just don’t know it yet!
It’s the same mentality, I find, as people who think being gay or lesbian is a horrible fate you wouldn’t chose if you could, something you would change if it was possible. The same mentality that says you can’t be trans unless you’re horribly dysphoric all the time.
They treat the decision of identifying as asexual as some serious life-sentence instead of, you know, a simple way of exploring your identity??
Not to mention letting ace teens know that asexuality exists and it’s okay to identify as ace will help them not jump into sexual situations they may not be comfortable with but feel like they have to because media constantly shoved it down their throats that having sex and being sexual is a necessary part of romantic relationships, and they could spend years feeling broken and confused why they don’t feel that way when it seems like everyone else around them does.
Can the same thing be done for aro people too? Because, like, at least people are talking about identifying as ace and what that could potentially mean for a young adult just starting to figure out what, exactly, identity IS…but I hear next to nothing about identifying as aro, unless it’s partnered with ace.
Speaking personally, as someone who JUST figured out that, yes, you CAN be aro and still in a committed relationship, I can also personally attest to the confusion, fear, worry, stress, anxiety, depression, etc. that comes from literally everything around you pushing for a romantic relationship when you don’t feel anything other than platonic or sexual attraction for your partner. It’s entirely possible that, “you just haven’t found the right one yet!”, or, “that proves you’re entirely too young to be in a serious relationship!”…but it could also simply be that you physically cannot feel that way, about ANYONE, regardless of who they are, how wonderful they are, how long you’ve known them, or anything else that would contribute to “falling in love”.
And, if it turns out that you CAN feel romantic attraction, then that’s fine too! Fall in love! Fall out of love! But still, don’t ever forget that it’s not a crime to identify as aromantic. And it’s also not a crime to stop identifying as aro, if you find that your feelings change.
hey so let’s rant for a second, it being aromantic awareness week and all
the social hierarchy of relationships according to the world is actually garbage
as an aromantic person, i do not experience romantic attraction. i do not happen to want a romantic relationship. some aros might, and that’s great. but lots don’t. i’m one of them that does not.
i’m ? just so over the way people ? treat platonic love ?
friendships are lesser. friends are “JUST friends” and romance is “MORE than friends”. you consult your romantic partner when you make a decision but if you consult your friends, people say ‘they’re just your friends, what they think doesn’t matter’.
what’s the difference? you’re telling me that a friend you kiss is inherently more valuable than one you don’t? you’re telling me that people can only be intimate and rely on each other if they’re ‘dating’?
you see friends that are very close and you say “they must be dating in secret, no friends are that close to each other.”
i say my dream relationship is just to have a very close best friend and you say that’s not a very big goal? do you know how hard it is to really find someone like that for you without the promise of dating or sex attached?
this aromantic spectrum awareness week, please remember that platonic love is important. please stop saying “just friends” or “more than friends”. no type of love or relationship is inherently more or less important than any other. let people prioritize and define their own relationships. _________________________________________________________
↪AROMANTIC SPECTRUM AWARENESS WEEK; DAY 4/7 | PLATONIC LOVE MATTERS If you like this, please ❤ or reblog. Help us spread that aromantic awareness!
Disney…the Disney…has what I think is the most iconic, best represented, canonical aro-ace character of all time. And yes, I do say canonical.
Here’s why.
Go back and listen to “Jolly Holiday”, paying particular attention to Mary’s verse. Disney wanted there to be a romance between Burt and Mary. Desperately wanted it. Practically invented the role of Burt (who was a fairly minor character in the book series and whose representation in the film is a conglomerate of, like, five different characters from the books resulting in his jack-of-all-trades schtick) just so Mary would have a love interest.
And P.L. Travers, writer of the books, absolutely forbade that they even hint at a romantic relationship between them.
What results is that beautiful bit from Jolly Holiday where she masterfully, but kindly, shuts Burt down. (filed under: stuff I did not properly appreciate as a kid)
But because he was meant to be her love interest, and Disney tried so desperately to kinda loophole their way around Travers’s ultimatum, what results is this fantastically bad-stereotype-free Aro-Ace character. She’s not some robot without feelings, completely cold towards others, or socially awkward. She’s aware of Burt’s (actually romantic) feelings for her. She even returns those feelings on a platonic level. She’s flirtatious, kind, and caring but immediately shuts down any romantic/sexual advance. And because they can’t make their lead character a “bad” person none of those flirtatious moments have a cruel “leading them on” air. Her verse starts with complements to Burt and then subtly moves into “do NOT make a move on me I will not respond.” While she shuts him down, Burt looks confused at first, like he’s not sure where he went wrong, and then seems to get the hint and continues to treat her with respect.
Later, at the penguin diner, he teases her with a list of the girls he’s been attracted to, making her huff slightly jealously. However, he ends with the statement that he likes her more than these other girls and she laughs at his antics. To me, that’s a moment of “No, you won’t be able to give me the relationship I could have with these girls, but I still prefer the relationship I have with you.” They are in a platonic relationship that’s more than friendship but STILL NOT ROMANTIC ON HER END and that is amazing.
By trying desperately to make her an allosexual while being confined by the restrictions of P.L. Travers Disney accidentally made the best aro-ace character of all time and I think that’s AWESOME. AND it has the additional unintended side-effect of portraying a functioning, respectful, and platonic relationship between an asexual and allosexual person.
Holy shit. Holy fuck. I got my little sister the book “sex is a funny word” because she’s at that age where she’s reading a lot of puberty books and I’d heard that this one was lgbtq+ friendly, but I was checking it over for accuracy and I gotta say, even with the totally gender neutral language they were using to talk about body parts and the really respectful way they talk about gender and their portrayals of same sex couples I was so fucking sure that I would have to mention that not everyone gets crushes or feels attraction separately. Because these books never talk about that. But here it is. The one thing I was so absolutely sure wouldn’t be included.
I honest to god dropped the book when I saw this I was so shocked. And I’m so fucking happy right now. I can’t exspress how much I wish this was mentioned in the books I read when I was a kid. It would have saved me so much confusion, and I’m so happy that kids today are gonna read this and know that it’s okay and normal to not get curses. I’m so so fucking happy you have no idea.
Editor of YA Interrobang here! First of all, you should never – ever – feel like a freak of nature. Half of Team Interrobang is on the asexual spectrum, including me, and there are plenty of authors who are asexual or aromantic or both, even if it’s not something they actively discuss. (Take Katie Locke, for instance, an author on the asexual spectrum whose debut YA novel hits shelves next year.) You are not alone, and you are no more a freak than I am.
– We Awaken by Calista Lynne – As Autumn Leaves by Kate Sands
– Every Heart A Doorway by Seanan McGuire (a personal favorite) – We Go Forward by Alison Evans –
Tash Hearts Tolstoy by Kathryn Ormsbee (releases 2017)
Tristina Wright’s 27 Hours, which releases in 2017, has a character that is both asexual AND aromantic.
Dear non-aro people, especially non-aro people who don’t actually know aromanticism is a thing,
I know you don’t mean me any harm. I know you are not purposefully being arophobic.
But could you, maybe, stop making posts and writing stories and singing songs about romantic love as a universal constant, about monsters being humanized through their romantic love, about romantic love as the ideal relationship or life goal, about villains whose villainy is illustrated through their inability to feel romantic love?
I am aromantic. I don’t feel romantic attraction. Please stop leaving me and my community out. Please stop casting us as villains.Please stop making little aro kids think there’s something wrong with them because they look around and see romantic love as the norm and nothing that reflects them and their feelings.
Sincerely, Babs
(bolding and italicization mine to illustrate my point)
So this post is making the rounds again and I feel a desperate need to address something:
A fair few of the people reblogging this have interpreted as a blanket ban on romance in media, as “Babs wants us to stop creating all romance media ever!”
To be honest, I am not entirely sure where they’re getting that idea. Like. Go back and read those bolded/italicized statements again. Look at what I’m asking.
Hint: It’s not “stop writing romantic fiction,” it’s “stop writing amatonormative and arophobic fiction”
Some of these misinterpreters have told me my wording is confusing. But honestly, I don’t think it’s a wording issue.
What kind of issue is it? I don’t know. But there’s a problem when we aromantics ask for more aro-friendly media, and alloromantics respond with “you can’t just erase romance from media just because you don’t feel it!”
The fact so, so many people interpreted a post that very clearly states “stop using your media to harm us” as “you’re never allowed to write a love story again” just goes to show how vast this problem is.
For one, I wouldn’t be surprised if many of them actually can’t think of a love story that avoids those harmful tropes. The extent to which the worth of romantic love is hinged upon how much better it is, how little life is worth without it, how life never really began before meeting that romantic partner, etc. etc. is staggering—kind of like that absurd “platonic kisses shouldn’t be allowed because they make romantic kisses less special” post going around. By asking them to remove those ranks of romantic love being superior, they act as if they’re being robbed. By asking that people start respecting aromantic people, or even to simply stop actively harming them, they suddenly lose a significant amount of the language commonly used to celebrate romantic love. Amatonormativity is really that embedded in the way people talk and think.
And along the same lines as this, this is just another textbook example of privileged groups acting victimized if you ask them to stop doing harmful things. It all becomes about “oh noes you’re abolishing hte greatest stories in the world” without a thought spared for the children that grow up hating themselves and wanting to die (*raises hand*) because they’re told the only reason worth living is something they can’t have, or the people forcing themselves into relationships (*raises hand*) and trying to convince themsleves they want them because that’s what defines humanity and if they don’t ignore their own feelings and push past their own boundaries they’re disqualified.
But sure, let’s all fret about all the imaginary attacks on your precious [het] love stories instead.
Being an aromantic asexual is weird. We defy not one, not two, but three societal norms; heteronormativity, compulsory sexuality, and amatonormativity. It gets even weirder when you’re indifferent (even favourable!) when it comes to sex and romance because you think your experience is universal, that everyone feels the way you do. It’s not feeling wrong and broken and out of place. It’s feeling normal, and then realizing that you aren’t.
Thinking (read: assuming) that you’re straight for most of your life and then finding out you’re not is weird. Mostly because once you realize you’re not straight, it dawns on you that you feel the same way about boys that you do about girls and non-binary people. And then you wonder if you’re pansexual because they’re attracted to all genders, and you have to be attracted to someone, right? And then that thought is immediately dismissed because you don’t feel attraction, at all. But it doesn’t stop you from contemplating every other sexuality and romantic orientation, because you’ve been taught that everyone wants sex and romance.
And then you remember: you like sex and romance in fiction. You like seeing your friends in happy, healthy, consenting relationships, and you’d always assumed that one day, you’d be in one too. But you’ve never pursued one. You never had more than a fleeting interest in boys, and lingering but still platonic affection for your female and non-binary friends. Those “crushes” that you had in elementary school? Maybe not crushes after all, because God knows you haven’t had one in nearly eight years. The most powerful feelings you’ve had for another person have been squishes so intense that you had to look back and question if it was actually romantic attraction (spoiler: it wasn’t).
And then there’s that epiphanic moment when things start to fall into place. Why you were always so vehement that soulmates could be platonic too. Why the idea of loving someone more than your best friend is incomprehensible (because romantic love is always shown as being more. Hello amatonormativity). Why when you ship fictional pairings, there are people you want to get together romantically, people you want to be friends so bad, and the ships that you like the most are the ones that could go either way. Why you desire emotional closeness and intimacy with the people in your life, but that had always been conflated with sex and romance so you wondered if what you wanted was more than friendship. Why you want to take the expression “more than friends”and burn it to the ground because there is no vocabulary for friendship that exceeds “best friend” without crossing over into romantic and/or sexual territory.
You realize that your ideal relationship isn’t necessarily romantic. It’s best friends who cohabitate and snuggle and hold hands and go on adventures to the library together. Kissing and sex? Well, that’s more of an afterthought. A “yeah, that’ll probably happen somewhere in there.” An assumption, because you’ve been taught that primary, monogamous relationships are always romantic and sexual. You reflect and see that there are very few things that you see and inherently romantic, and that there is a lot of cross-over between things you consider platonic, sensual, and romantic. A grey area that you can’t define.
Being an aromantic asexual is weird, because while I’ve always said that you don’t need romance and sex to be happy, I now realize that it applies to me too.
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Note from mod fitz: This has to be one of the most moving descriptions of this I have ever read. This exactly describes how I felt coming to the realization that I was not straight, and I think had I read this when I first began questioning it would have made things go a lot smoother for me. Thanks so much for submitting!
Reblogging this because this is one of the few posts that matches my experiences of figuring out I’m aroace exactly and somehow manages to put it into words
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