“The lgbt experience is so much more varied than that, reducing it to ‘everyone is now gay’ ignores other identities and their importance. You need to have ace head canons, bi, pan, aro, and lesbian head canons. Trans, non binary, genderqueer head canons! Demi head canons! ALL THE HEAD CANONS. And yes, gay headcanons as well,
but stop head canoning everyone as purely gay. START head canoning everyone as queer.”
You know, I’ve tried writing material where the number of bisexual and gay characters present matches up with real-world demographics, but even that’s apparently enough to get folks passive-aggressively going “wow, is anyone in this setting straight?”, so basically my answer from now on is “no, not a single person in this setting is straight”.
When a room has 30% women in it, men think it’s 50-50. When it is 50-50, they think they’re outnumbered. Just one of the fascinating statistics on how people perceive gender balance, says Laura Bates.
…When a story has 5-10% not-straight people in it, a lot of straight people think “the gays are taking over.”
Let the gays take over
Let them
It ain’t like we can do that much worse than y’all have.
Every time a post on queerplatonic relationships makes its way around tumblr, the comments are inevitably filled with a flood of “IT’S CALLED FRIENDSHIP” or “WHY DO YOU NEED A WORD FOR THIS.”
Do you honestly think society regards friendship as an acceptable substitute for romance and marriage? The thing is, most aros would LOVE if it could just be called friendship.
Because that would mean a world where:
Friendships are considered equal to or sometimes *SHOCK HORROR* more important than romantic relationships. This is not an exceptional occurrence.
Romantic partners know that they might not be their datemate’s Most Important Person and are not bothered by this.
People commonly plan major life events around their friends up to and including housing, finances, employment, ect.
It is common for people to be in their 30s, 40s, 50s, hell even old age having lived with friends that entire time and no one has ever asked them why they’re not married.
It is common for people to have a committed lifelong partnership with their friend and no one bats an eye.
Having a life friend is considered something that can be regarded as equally close to marriage. It is also taken just as seriously.
Until the day that those are true, friendship is unfortunately not an accurate word to convey the types of relationships we’re talking about.
my homophobic grandma just ranted about how there isn’t a single gay person with a good fashion sense, and then proceeded to tell me, a lesbian, that everyone ought to dress like me
i’ve seen a lot of people concerned about questioning kids lately.
lots of people who were concerned that young girls might identify as nonbinary, for example, because of internalized misogyny. or young gay people who might identify as ace or aro, because of internalized homophobia.
i honestly have a lot of sympathy for people who mis-identify themselves. it’s something that most of us have struggled with at least once before realizing that we aren’t straight or aren’t cis. many of us have struggled with it twice, three times, or a dozen times!
it’s not fun to realize you were wrong. it’s not fun to live one way, feeling wrong and lost and strange and broken, because you wrongly believed that that must be who you are.
but. mis-identification is not caused by having “too many” options.
i understand this concern. i really do. I have no doubt that those examples i mentioned above do happen, very often. but it’s not really any different than my experience, and i would not blame it on any other person but myself. i was a “tomboy” little girl, i was gender nonconforming, i was a trans guy, i was a bi chick, i was a gay guy.
the way i choose to identify is ultimately up to me. i went through the trials of finding my identity in the haystack like everyone else.
i care a lot about the people who mis-identify, and i’d like to offer them support. this support does not mean that the groups that they mis-identified with are wrong or evil for allowing this person into their ranks. it means spreading the message that mis-identifying is okay! that it’s okay to change your labels as much as you want, and to try out different identities, and to change your mind or change over time. THAT is how you support a confused, questioning person.
try to remember that for every confused gay kid who thought they were ace because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were gay, there was also a confused little ace kid who thought they were gay because they couldn’t cope with the idea that they were just “broken”.
try to remember that for every young girl who has been taught to hate femininity and herself, there is also a trans or nonbinary kid who is constantly being told “no, you HAVE to be a girl. there is no other option.”
we will make mistakes. everyone mis-labels themself. practically no one just knows themself without any effort – it’s a process of self-discovery, and it is painful and complicated. and we should be helping each other.
mis-identification happens when someone doesn’t know all of the options that exist. it happens because of stereotypes, because of bigotry, because of societal pressure and peer pressure and and and.
it is too complicated to blame on one thing. and you don’t know another person better than they know themself. assuming that is dangerous.
present all of the options to someone who is questioning instead of disguising, denying, or slandering some options rather than others. knowledge is power. that questioning person should be well-equipped to think, and try, and get to know themself, without you adding even more prejudice to the list.
concern is one thing, but pushing other people to identify one way instead of another because YOU think it’s right or better (or more likely!) is another thing entirely.
be careful. be kind. and support that questioning person no matter what they end up identifying as.
um. the idea that ppl haven’t read tggtvav is wild bc u have a bi boy with ptsd in love with his best friend who is black and gay and has epilepsy and then his little sister is an aro ace surgeon who kicks ass and everyone is incredibly badass. and there’s pirates
and mackenzi lee said she wrote it bc she was “sick of seeing historical fiction where everyone is cis, straight, white, and abled” and so she decided to write a historical fiction novel with characters that SHE wanted to see and SHE related to and if that ain’t straight ass the most relatable and badass thing i’ve ever seen then i am a dead man
COSIGNED SO HARD
If everyone could just read this book the world would honestly be a happier place
You know what should be a thing, aromantic – polyamourous solidarity. Like I know it seems like I’m talking about things that are completely opposite, but think about it
– both groups reject conventional relationship ideas
– we all don’t believe in the idea of finding that one, single romantic partner that will be more important than anyone else in our lives (whether we don’t want a romantic partner at all or we want multiple, equally important ones)
– referring to above, we all get told one day we will find that person that will make us see the light of monogamous romantic love or whatever
– both polyam people and allosexual aros get shoved into the stereotype of asshole who just wants to sleep around without commitment
– our relationships of choice don’t get the same kind of privileges romantic ones do (whether because we don’t want to marry or because we can’t marry multiple people)
I want to try to show younger a-specs that we’re out there and that it isn’t just an identity for kids to grow out of.
45 years old and demisexual.
I only figured out my orientation 3 years ago. It didn’t come as some “big revelation” but little but little, as I learnt more about it, it helped me put pieces together. I wasn’t broken – actually I had never been. It was just who I was, how I was born. I wasn’t alone – and in some way it was a relief to me. I had a word to describe myself, my experience, and this word was a statement, a fact, the answer to all the questions I had been asking myself for decades about my unsatisfying love (no)life. Finally there was a “BECAUSE” to the “WHY”, and the explanation was so simple, so obvious, I could fully accept it.
Tumblr has been the place where I found out, thanks to younger A-spec people who reblog, talk, teach about asexuality. YOU ARE WONDERFUL to do so, and to support and empower one another. It is so important not to feel alone ! Back in my younger days, I felt like I was “the only acealien in the village”. Raising awareness is so very important, as inacceptance (sadly) can do much damage. I’ve been through times and places I wouldn’t wish anybody to go.
To those of you who’d been rejected because they didn’t fit the mold of relationshipsTM, I know it hurts as Hell, it hurts so deep. Never forget that YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS as much as anyone else. There are so many ways you can connect with other people, as long as they’re compatible with you or acceptant of who you are. You are unique, and so is your happiness.
*HUGS TO YOU ALL*
Aro/ace and just turned 33!
Honestly, I was in my late teens when I started warning potential partners I wasn’t sure if I was able to love them. I was in my mid-twenties when I took myself “off market.” It wasn’t until a couple years later I started using the aromantic and asexual labels.
And also? I’m a mother. I was 22 when my son was born, so, yes, any young aros and/or aces out there wondering if you can still have a family, I’m proof that you can. And I don’t have a partner, and that’s OK. If you do or don’t want a partner, that’s fine. There’s no right or wrong way to be aspec.
not to be fake deep but gay culture is having a complicated, flawed relationship with the people who were supposed to be there for you. the blood relatives you refuse to come out to, the ones you regret being honest with, the ones who give you that sharp, knifeblade smile like they know they’re supposed to be fine with you being gay but fuck they’re upset about it
gay culture is finding a new family. rewriting the one that you lost. the sliding sideways glance of two people in a room “i got you”. replacing the bits of you that fell out and finding – oh, oh, this is what love was supposed to be, isn’t it, where i open my heart and the teeth don’t come out. where you can say “i need help” and a hand opens and not to take. a house, sometimes; more often just a series of shared spaces where cat-like you lounge with the weirdest people you’ve ever known, the most beautifully honest human beings who let you be weird too (they’re not actually weird, you realize one day, it’s just weird to you that they aren’t angry, and that idea makes you drop what you’re holding). no, we can’t talk honestly with our dads and don’t bother with our moms. we feel what is unsaid like a second person we carry with us, a hand over our mouths. it’s okay, and it’s not okay, and when it’s not okay, you say: i need a hug. and you get one, always.
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