a guide for the questioning aro: a masterlist
there is an exact copy of this masterlist under the “resources” tab on my blog!
finding out your romantic orientation can be a struggle. it’s laborious, intense, and often unrewarding. there’s a dearth of information available to aro and aro spec people, and that’s a shame.
i’ve compiled a list of the links and resources that helped me the most: from the blogs that helped explain what aromanticism was to the positivity blogs that helped me not feel so alone. hopefully this helps someone out, because no one deserves to feel like they’re groping in the dark when it comes to something as vital as your identity.
(if there’s something that helped you out, message me, and i’ll add it to the list!)
definitions: what is aromanticism? (and all the other words associated with it)
AVEN Wiki — fairly basic. kind of clinical, really only for people with zero understanding of aromanticism. good as a tool to help explain to cishets.
About Asexuality and the Ace/Aro Spectrum — goes into the types of attraction that different people can experience. explains the difference between sexual and romantic orientation a little better.
That’s So Aromantic — a psychology today article that is a bit like the last source, but with more attached resources and extra definitions for words like queerplatonic and amatonormativity.
Turtle Analogy — a cute sketchy comic that explains aspec orientations in the easiest possible way.
AACE Club Resources — some definitions about aro spec identities and more resources.
5 Myths About Aromanticism — a buzzfeed article. pretty self-explanatory, but something i had to come to grips with was all the stereotypes about aro people—that we’re cold, unloving, etc. this definitely helped with that.
Meet the Aromantics — stories from actual aros on their experiences with being aro, and what that meant for them. this helped a lot in validating my own feelings and experiences.
Aromantics Just Wanna Be Your Friend — a vice article. combines definition and testimony into one well-written package.
Amatonormativity — a definition, written by the person who coined the word. also includes its own resources that you may find helpful.
am i aromantic?
if you’re here, you’re probably already questioning your romantic orientation, or maybe you’re just trying to learn more about the subject. either way, this list, compiled by anagori, is things they’ve seen in themself and other people. they also have a really good linkspam.
so you’ve realized you’re aromantic. now what?
chances are you’re probably gonna want to read up some more on the subject, whether on aromanticism in general, or queerplatonic relationships, or alterous attraction. here’s a few things to help you do that.
Commitment in Relationships for Celibate Asexuals and Aromantics — this article just resonated with me in a way that i can’t fully explain. in it, the author (of whose pronouns i am unsure of) discusses levels of commitment, and how to attain them in an increasingly amatonormative world.
Experiences of Loving — an analysis on the different types of love and how powerful non-romantic love can be.
related blogs to send asks to/follow any inactive blogs on this list are here purely for the archives.
Arospec Awareness Week — this links straight to their resources page, which was incredibly helpful. the blog itself is inactive.
Hugs and Squishes — a blog that showcases queerplatonic feelings and relationships, as well as intense platonic feelings. no romance involved.
Queerplatonic and Aromantic Advice — somewhat inactive, but the archive is useful.
Aro Support — also inactive.
Asexual and Aromantic Support Group
Positivity and Reassurance Blog for A-Spec People
(my follow page is also public. i follow mostly aro positivity blogs, with a few blogs that post both aro and ace content, and one or two blogs that post generalized LGBT stuff.)
Tag: questioning
Hey. Im not sure if I’m aro. There are these girls who I think I might like but Im not sure if its romantic attraction or platonic? The girl has changed three times, but its felt similar til the last girl. (I’ve ruled the first two as squishes) the latest girl is a close friend of mine,And that’s got me thinking maybe Im demiro. Im v confused, cause I dont know what Im feeling, and would love another opinion. Also I’ll use ♠️ so you know its me if I need to ask anymore questions, hope that’s ok
So figuring out the difference between whether you’re experiencing romantic attraction, QP attraction or alterous attraction can be really tricky for a couple reasons. A major one is that we’ve all grown up being taught over and over again that any attraction=romantic attraction and means we have to want to date them. And it’s really hard to break that association.
There’s a similar thing to this with sexual attraction, but unlike romantic attraction, sexual attraction is a lot more straight forward to explain/describe. Romantic attraction on the other hand tends to have this ineffable quality. and often gets described as ‘you’ll know it when you feel it’. Which makes it a bit harder to pinpoint.
The other issue is that romantic attraction, QP attraction and alterous attraction can all have similar symptoms. (Thinking about the person you’re attracted to a lot, being nervous around them, thinking they’re really interesting, etc.)
So the first step to figuring out if you’re experiencing romantic attraction or not is breaking that association of attraction=romantic attraction. You’ve already figured out that your attraction may not be romantic, which is the first step, but it honestly just takes time.
Try and ask yourself honestly, what’s your idea situation with this person. Is it being really close/being really important to them? But being completely satisfied if the relationship is entirely platonic? (Common with QP attraction)
Is it having a very strong emotional bond, and it either doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or platonic, or you’d like something that’s something in between or defies labels? (Common with alterous attraction)
When you fantasize about being with this person, do you naturally drift towards scenarios that you personally would consider romantic? Is it important to you that you do romantic things with them? (Common with romantic attraction)
Reading up on QP attraction and alterous attraction, especially the experiences of people who experience them, can be really useful too.
The other thing is that there are also a few labels for people who can’t distinguish between platonic and romantic attraction, or just kind of occupies that area between the two. Some of the better known labels that fall under this:
Quoiromantic (great write-up here) is probably the most common, but there’s also idemromantic (someone who categorizes relationshionships and feelings as platonic or romantic, but feels no internal difference between the two), platoniromantic (someone who feels no difference between romantic and platonic attraction) and schromantic (someone who feels like the attraction they experience is both romantic and platonic at the same time or is a mix of the two), which all might be worth looking into too.
Remember you can also be both demi and be any of the listed labels above too.
And it is absolutely fine using the ♠️ symbol for follow-up questions.
All the best, Anon!
How to know if you are actually atracted to guys or you are just brainwashed through heteronormativity letting you believe you have to give guys a go because you have some kind of connection?
This is such a good question and it’s really important for any woman questioning their orientation/attraction. I’m going to explain the difference using three specific examples of times when attraction gets confusing, but there are a ton of different ways compulsory heterosexuality manifests, so if none of these hit on what you’re feeling, feel free to shoot me another anon.
Attraction vs. Compulsory Heterosexuality
- Nervousness and Blushing
A ton of romance media and common cultural tropes have this idea that you know you’re attracted to someone if you’re nervous or blushing around them. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to a man if you feel nervous around him, just because you’re experiencing the physical bodily response you’ve been told to expect, not because you actually want to date him.
Actual Attraction: You’re nervous because you’re excited to get to know someone. You find them attractive first and because you’re thinking about your attraction to them, you get self conscious because you hope they might like you too.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: You’re nervous because you are aware that he is attracted to you, and because he’s paying such close attention to you– especially if he’s pushing boundaries or getting too close into your personal space– you become self conscious because you know he’s watching you. You blush because you’re uncomfortable.
- Hypothetical Attraction
Many questioning women have a hard time sorting through their attraction because of hypotheticals. Our culture, in general, disregards or challenges wlw’s attraction and it gives this anxiety that we need to know 100% that we are not and will never be attracted to men no matter what in order to claim labels.
It’s hard to do that as a young person who is just learning about themselves, flooded with “what if”s about the future. Because of this, you might feel like you can’t rule out being attracted to men because you might hypothetically be attracted to one someday. Who knows?
Actual Attraction: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it feels exciting and makes you feel good and hopeful and happy and right. It’s a nice feeling and is comfortable to think about. Reassuring.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, sad, disappointed, wrong. It’s an upsetting thing to think about and you hope it doesn’t happen. You don’t want to end up with a man even if you feel like you could.
- Sexual Fantasies
Our culture places a big emphasis on sex when it comes to orientation. Some people’s orientation includes sexual attraction and some people’s orientation doesn’t, but most of us feel like our sexual fantasies are the most important indicator of non-straight sexuality because LGBPQ+ people have been so thoroughly reduced to sexual acts and sexual objects in the homophobic culture we’ve grown up in.
Along with that, we’ve also grown up in a heteronormative and cisnormative society that repetitively teaches and reemphasizes the same singular sexual “script” for how sex is supposed to go, over and over and over. They do not teach any others, and it requires non-straight and non-cis people to invent their own sexual scripts individually and with partners.
But as a young person, when you’re aroused, your mind has a very limited template of potential narratives associated with that feeling, so many people default to the same heteronormative script in their fantasies because it’s unconscious and easy. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to men because you imagine abstract situations of sex with men, even though you have absolutely no desire to sleep with men in real life.
Actual Attraction: When you fantasize about men, it is because you’re attracted to their bodies or specific men or the idea of having sex with men. You imagine qualities of their body and you like the idea of what you’re imagining. If you think about the fantasy later that day, you might feel like it’s embarrassing, but you also feel like it’s sexy.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: When you fantasize about men, it is mostly just enacting a kind of narrative. More focused on movement than features– the men in your fantasies might be faceless or blank-featured or their bodies might symbolize some emotion. You don’t really like the idea of what you’re imagining. You might not even be in the fantasy, but instead another faceless woman might be. You might even imagine yourself as the man. The narrative follows the sexual script, but the details are more vague and abstract and might even shift and change throughout the fantasy. If you think about it later that day, you might feel vaguely nauseated or uncomfortable or feel invalidated and wrong.
It’s really difficult to unroot compulsory heterosexuality. My simplest advice on getting through it is this: even if you are attracted to men, you do not need to date them if you don’t want to. If you only want to date other women, then you have the right to that. The rest is less important than the simple reality of what you want right now.
File under things that would have been helpful for me to have read many years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of time.
This is also just so useful for people who are confused on the idea of attraction as well and also have to face compulsory problems like this!
how do you know if your aro bc I cant tell if i am or if im just like in a “young dumb and fuck love!!” mentality if that makes sense? im sorry if this question makes no sense lmao
some good ways to know if you’re aromantic or somewhere on the aro spectrum are as follows:
- if you’ve never been romantically attracted to anyone (as in seen someone and wanted to date them and do romantic things with them)
- if you’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone
- if you’re not sure if you’ve ever been in love
- if you have trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings
- if you find romance boring, annoying or upsetting when it appears in fiction, even if it’s well written
- if you want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.
- if you’ve ever doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs
- if you have trouble relating, or feeling involved when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings
- if falling in love doesn’t seem that exciting or important to you
- if you don’t really understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love
- if you have never or rarely had a romantic relationship – not because you can’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you like being single better
- if getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, rather than something you’re really enthusiastic about
- if you’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love
- if you wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them
- if when you discovered the word aromantic it felt like something finally clicked into place for you
- if identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself
Gender / Orientation is not a diagnosis.
“I feel like X and Y and Z. What am I?”
“I identify as A, but my friend says I’m more like B. Who’s right?”
“I express C through D. Is this E?”
The answer will always, always be that you should decide that by yourself.
We get questions at @ask-pride-color-schemes – and not only that, I see many similar questions directed at other blogs – that act like there are people that are the Grand Arbitrers of Identity, that we will be able to figure out Your True Identity and then you’ll be happy with it forever, but it doesn’t work like that.
What we have is experience and resources that may help you when we explain what certain labels mean, or when we try to interpret what you mean and narrow down your search to a few named identities, if what you describe is accurate and if there are accurate words to describe what you are describing.
But we can’t know what your experiences with certain words
are, or if you are omitting something important because of shame/internalized hatred, or if your vocabulary is kind of off and then we think neutrality when you meant between male and female, or we think woman-aligned when you meant feminine.
And we understand that we can’t know for sure what you feel! Or that you may not know how to express how you feel! Or that what you feel may change! And it’s ok if you word questions like absolutes because you didn’t think about what it was implying and not because you expect an “expert answer” that puts all your doubts to rest. But please don’t expect us to know everything that you know/experience.
[If you can’t see it because you are on mobile, there’s a cut here.]
Yes.
Only you can decide what labels work for you. Even if they make no sense to someone else, if they work for you, you can use them.
If there’s a highly-specific microlabel that accurately describes you, you don’t have to use it. Even if one of the standard labels describe you, you don’t have to call yourself that. You can be a woman who is only attracted to other women and not consider yourself lesbian if you don’t feel comfortable with that term.
You can reclaim slurs if you want to describe yourself with them. You can say ‘this identity term feels like a slur to me so don’t call me that’.
You can change what labels you use if they no longer feel right. You can change them because you were mistaken about what they meant, because you were mistaken about yourself, or because your feelings have changed over time (like switching from straight to heteroflexible because you found that one exception you’re attracted to).
You can use labels to align with a community. I know straight trans guys who still feel a connection to the label of lesbian, because they came out as that first.
Labels serve you, not the other way around. And your labels belong to you. You are responsible for finding the right labels and using them in the right ways, because no one else can tell you what labels you should use.
PSA for LBGTQ babes
I’ve been coming out for over 10 years now, and honestly the one thing I wish I’d realized sooner is how useful descriptive language can be. Not only do you not need a label, you don’t even have to have everything figured out yet 🙂 Here are some solutions to common problems that can make it hard to explain who you are:
If you’re struggling to find the perfect label, try describing your sexual orientation or gender identity instead
Ex: “I’m attracted to men and nonbinary people” “I identify with women, but I don’t feel 100% female” “I don’t normally experience sexual attraction”
If you aren’t sure about your identity but want to come out, you can always just say the parts you are sure about
Ex: “I like guys” “I have a crush on this person” “I don’t feel like a woman”
Want to be clear about how you feel, or worried about your labels changing later? You can include your questioning in the description.
Ex: “I think I’m trans, but I’m not sure” “I don’t really know how I identify yet, but I know I’m queer” “I think I’m on the ace spectrum”
Want to identify with a common label, but acknowledge there is a part that doesn’t fit? Try modifying the label with descriptors
Ex: “I’m like 95% gay” or “I’m a nonbinary lesbian” “I’m a trans man, but my gender is fluid sometimes”
Want to take the pressure off or show how you feel about your identity? Play around with humor & tone to really suit you.
Ex: “I’m a really bad lesbian” (I’m nb and sometimes attracted to men and have used this one) “I’m so gay I can’t even think straight” “I’m too cool for gender”
—
At the end of the day, coming out is often informal and conversational, and you can use this to your advantage. The important thing isn’t the exact wording you use, but what you are trying to share ❤
If any of you are stressed because you aren’t sure of your identity or can’t find the perfect label, I hope this approach helps. It’s definitely made a big difference to me and my confusing gender and sexual orientation :p
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